Ghost Recon: Wildlands Review

[Ghost Leader]: Unbearable as that social faux-pas must be for you, Bowman, my point is that blowing up a Quinoa factory does not seem like a particularly serious mission goal.

[Bowman]: Oh but it is. Have you ever eaten Quinoa? Awful stuff, like eating gunpowder pellets, only at least if you eat gunpowder pellets there’s a chance something interesting might happen.

[Ghost Leader]: Nevertheless, it doesn’t seem crucial to the overall goal of toppling Santa Blanca. It’s almost as if you’ve been adding extra missions in simply to make the map look more filled out. Also, I can’t help but notice that in your briefing for the Santa Blanca Underboss, “La Plaga”, you’ve written that his favourite university subject was “Cutting off a person’s face, then showing it to them.” Was that supposed to be a joke?

[Bowman]: Ah…yes?

[Ghost Leader]: In fact, I have to point this out, all of your briefings are atrociously written. They’re filled with jarring slang and references to aspects of pop-culture like social media that feel totally out of keeping with a mission like this. Honestly, I’m struggling to determine whether I’m supposed to take this operation seriously or not. Are we a hardcore tactical unit fighting a deadly threat behind enemy lines, or are we characters in a dodgy eighties action movie?


[Bowman]: Well…you see…um. Oh look! I see that according to our satellite imagery, your helicopter is crossing the Bolivian border now.

[Ghost Leader]: Roger that, agent Bowman. Gosh, those are some lovely mountains, aren’t they?

[Bowman]: You can go there!

[Ghost Leader]: I also see deserts and salt-flats to the far-north east, while the centre of the country appears to mainly consist of dense rainforest. There’s certainly plenty of variety to Bolivia. Although, if this was, say, an interactive work of art, one might argue there doesn’t seem to be much commitment to a particular style. Also, I’m encountering a problem where my vision periodically freezes every couple of minutes. My equipment may be suffering some kind of technical issue. I think I’m going to get boots on the ground and scout out the local area, maybe try to establish an FOB from which we can proceed further into the country. I’ll report back for debrief at 1900 hours.

[Bowman]: Acknowledged, Ghost Leader, speak to you at 1900.

TRANSMISSION SUSPENDED.




TRANSMISSION RESUMED.

Time: 1900 hours.

Location: Undisclosed Safehouse: Bolivia.

[Ghost Leader]: Agent Bowman. This is Ghost Leader. How do you read?

[Bowman]: Loud and clear, Ghost Leader. How is Bolivia treating you?


[Ghost Leader]: Agent Bowman, I think we need to talk.

[Bowman]: What’s the problem, Ghost Leader?

[Ghost Leader]: *sighs* I’ve been on the ground for a day or so now, and it feels like I’m just doing busywork for the sake of it. There’s certainly plenty to do here, and I appreciate how quickly we can move between missions, but there’s not much variation between one firefight and the next. I mean, the basic act of shooting Sicarios is satisfying enough, but it’s nothing I haven’t done at a dozen other times in a dozen other places.


[Bowman]: Did you try bringing in up to three other operatives as we suggested?

[Ghost Leader]: Yes, and that did expand our ability to enact different tactical approaches. Yet not as much as I had hoped. I also encountered some strange phenomena while exploring with my squadmates, like a helicopter freezing in the sky after I blew it up with my grenade launcher, and squadmates teleporting to different locations on the map without warning.

These are only occasional issues. Probably something in the water. The main problem is my overriding feeling like I’m treading water here, like I’ve done all this before, in more interesting places and with more interesting consequences.

Basically, what I’m saying is, I think we need to call this mission a bust.


[Bowman]: Received and understood, Ghost Leader. That’s disappointing to hear. Nonetheless, we’ll arrange an exfil ASAP. Any idea of where you’d like to go instead?

[Ghost Leader]: Afghanistan, maybe? Or the Himalayan country of Kyrat? I’ve heard both those locations offer a similar experience, but with greater depth and variation.


[Bowman]: Roger that, Ghost Leader, I’ll put in your request for a transfer. One last thing?

[Ghost Leader]: Go on.

[Bowman]: Is my writing really that bad?

[Ghost Leader]: This could have something to do with the water. But after reading
those briefings, I had to be sick into my helmet.

[Bowman]: Ouch.

[Ghost Leader]: I think a career as a novelist might be out. Maybe you could write the little bits of paper inside fortune cookies?

[Bowman]: Thanks for letting me down gently, Ghost Leader. Hope you enjoy walking out of Bolivia. Over and out.

TRANSMISSION ENDS.